


Like a Drug

by shihadchick



Category: U2
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-05-04
Updated: 2005-05-04
Packaged: 2017-10-22 09:26:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/236568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shihadchick/pseuds/shihadchick
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Self-doubt and implications.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Like a Drug

I wish you'd say no to me. Just once. Just to prove you can, or that you could. I hate to doubt you, but it scares me that you never have, and that I'm not sure if you can.

Of course, I can't say when I'd have liked to hear that 'no.' Surely not the first time we kissed, fever-hot, desperate. And probably - more than likely - I wouldn't have enjoyed hearing a 'no' as I undressed you that first time, cool nervous fingers tugging hard at your shirt, bunching it up over your belly, as I took us (me, always me, Adam) that final step over the line from comfort and into caress. Could never have construed that as anything other than what it was. Except I think you could have.

What about when your hands found their way into my trousers? Admittedly, that decision did seem wholly yours, but... I started it, and what if I pressured you in some way? Did you feel obliged? When I pressed against you, into you, grinding against your heat, making you buck and come, did you think you had to do the same for me? Enjoying you has always been enough for me. There’s a bitter taste now in the fact that I can't even trust myself to know whether you truly did enjoy it, or whether you were just trying not to hurt me.

Or when I choked out 'please', and took you in my mouth, made you break, your fingers clutching tight at my hair, strands caught and wound around your knuckles, and I hardly felt the pain of their breaking as you came for me.

I couldn't help myself after that, had to whisper that I loved you. That I'd wanted that for so long. I couldn't read you, then, and that scared me. But your mouth fit so easily to mine, and there was no shake in your body, no tell-tale quiver, so I put it from my mind again, filled it with your taste and your feel, with knowing you insides to out. What you said that time, about it being the way you might look at me... that was truth. That's part of it. Apparently, so is the way you might moan my name. The way you do. More precious than any jewel in the world. Do you know that?

If I'm honest - and I always tried to be, with you, for you... if not with myself - I didn't ever want to hear a ‘no.’

Just- it's just that I don't know if you even know how to tell me ‘no.’ If that word is even in your vocabulary. Awful thing to think of one's lover, isn't it? But we've all observed the things you've done, for temporary pleasure (and that thought, that cuts me up inside) or some form of transient oblivion. You've always been so overtly physical, so blatantly sexual, in a way that is both like and unlike the way I'm driven to act. I'll hang on you onstage, but you'll touch my thigh in passing on the bus, brush against my shoulder - or Edge's, or Larry's. It's seemed like something more uncontrolled for you, though - the way you'll say yes, and yes again, without thought. The way you've (almost) always gone along with me- with us, in everything outside of the nitty-gritty of our work. Did we leave you so afraid of losing us?

The way I'm afraid that one day all the 'no's you should have said will come crashing down on your head and mine.

I guess what scares me right down to the marrow is the suspicion that the only 'no' you could bring yourself to give me would be the most utterly final 'no' there is. And that thought... that thought is nearly more abhorrent to me than any fear that you might not have ever wanted me. For all they say and think... I've always been far more deserving of pain than you, haven't I? Oh, Adam. Come here, love, again.

Come here to me, and stop my mind.

 _Please._


End file.
